Shattered in a Moment: The Fragility of Trust

Even though it happened more than a decade ago that day is still very clear in my memory.  My supervisor came into my office—angry—saying I could not be trusted to handle a certain project. When I asked “why” no reason was given.  The only response was the work would be reassigned. 

What you need to know is that this confrontational behavior had been going on for months.  My supervisor would get angry, confront me, give no explanation, and threaten to remove work (although to my recollection – no work was ever actually taken away).  Things would calm down for a while, but then lead to another confrontation weeks later. 

From my perspective, I was meeting and even exceeding all my job requirements.  I juggled a ton of work and I felt I did it well.  I certainly was not doing or saying anything that would warrant the anger.

The pattern that had emerged led me to suspect that someone was telling my supervisor things that were not true.  But, who?  Who would do this to me?  I got along with everyone—or so I thought.

This day was different.  I had had enough of the accusations, and I was ready to get confirmation of my suspicions.  I started to say, “I’m not sure why you are angry.  It feels like someone is telling you something that isn’t…”  At this point my supervisor stood up, leaned over my desk, and yelled, “People. Tell. Me. What. You. Say!” 

It was in that moment my suspicions became reality.  My professional reputation and my career with that organization was vulnerable.  Someone that I had trusted (an unidentified co-worker) had decided to risk my reputation for his or her own gain.  I could trust no one.  

Learning how to trust again

It was this experience that led me to the research and books of Michelle and Dennis Reina.  I hadn’t given trust a second thought—until I didn’t know who to trust. 

In their book, Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace, the Reinas describe the specific behaviors that build trust.  Understanding the behaviors provided me with the tools to protect my reputation in the future.  For example, I knew that one of our employees liked to gossip.  It never occurred to me that when the employee was “confiding in me” about others—that the same employee might also share thoughts and assumptions about me with others in the office.  I now manage my boundaries carefully—especially around someone who is prone to gossip.

Author and Business Coach, Charles Feltman, defines trust as “choosing to make something you value vulnerable to someone else’s actions.”  In our workplaces every day we make our reputation, our work product, our self-esteem, and even our very livelihood vulnerable to the actions of others.  Even though we may have worked with someone for years and developed a trusting colleague relationship—we must recognize how fragile trust can be.  Years of hard work can be shattered in a moment.

I eventually left that organization.  Several years after my departure I learned what had been said about me and by whom.  I took small comfort in the fact that I was not the only target of this person’s deceptions. 

I admit it took me a long time to rebound from this betrayal.  Part of that healing involved reflecting on the role the experience played in my life.  As I look back, a number of good things came from that time.  I probably would not have gone on to graduate school, I would not be working with leaders, and I would not have the privilege of sharing what I have learned about trust with others.

Please join me (virtually) on Wednesday March 25, 2020 at 6:00 p.m. to learn more about how you can strengthen trust in the workplace.  This online event is sponsored by the Lake Superior Chapter of the Association for Talent Development.   Learn more or register for Building Trust in the Workplace